Six Boundaries for the Holiday Season
The holiday season can be a prolonged period of time full of mixed feelings, intense thought spirals, and shifts in attitudes towards ourselves and our bodies. In light of that, it’s worth having a refresher on one particularly important topic: boundaries.
Boundaries are the limits we communicate for ourselves within relationships. They are an expression of what is and is not okay in a relationship, that allows for safety, security, and belonging, in order to continue to be able to show up in the relationship.
Boundaries are not behavior requests of other people, which means: “don’t yell at me” is not a boundary. “I’ve already asked you to not leave dishes in the sink” is not a boundary.
Boundaries are what you, the boundary setter, communicate about what behavior is and is not okay. Boundaries help us protect the relationships (at whatever closeness or distance we feel safe within); they are not the same thing as erecting walls to end a relationship. There’s complex cultural nuances around respect, compliance, convenience, and control that we simply don’t have the time or space to dive into here without specifics of your situation. If the boundary examples set below do not apply to you, your community, your family, or your relationships, please prioritize the unique aspects that cannot be accounted for in this blog post.
An important phrase to keep in mind as you consider your circumstances and boundaries: I’m in charge* of the behavior I want to be around.
* HUGE asterisk to note that this does not mean you have full control of all the behavior you’re around. You cannot avoid sexism, racism, abuses of power, and so on in a society that is rampant with it, especially from strangers or commenters on the internet. This is meant only to imply what is in your control: the friendships you keep, your romantic partner(s), what organization you volunteer with, family members (for some people, as always, use your discernment to apply to your own life and circumstances) *
With those caveats around context, I want to move into the specific parts of setting a boundary.
A clearly communicated boundary has a few parts:
Acknowledgment of the behavior that is not okay
The choice you will make if the behavior continues
With the context of your specific circumstance, when and how they can show you a change in behavior (as above, we can try again tomorrow)
The choice you will make if the person chooses to behave in this way again
With those components in mind, I have put together six examples to provide you with language and circumstances of popular holiday concerns. It’s challenging to know where to begin sometimes; I hope this serves as a helpful resource and reference for you (as you can apply this way beyond the holidays as well.
Six examples of boundaries that could support a more harmonious, peaceful, and connected holiday season.
A boundary around weight or eating comments: If you continue to make comments about my weight during the meal after I’ve asked you to stop, I am going to prioritize my partners family’s holiday dinner next year where I can eat without judgement.
A boundary around off-limits conversation topics: I have redirected the conversation away from my dating life three times already in hopes you would notice I don’t want to talk about it. I am not interested in talking about this with you and if you continue to bring it up, I am going to switch places at the table.
A boundary for traveling: Last year I told you I would not be able to travel to attend both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the attempts to get me to change my mind are feeling disrespectful. I will be able to travel for Christmas and will not be responding to any future texts about last minute travel deals for Thanksgiving.
A boundary for alcohol: The level of drinking at the holiday dinners this year turned unsafe for the children to be around. This meal will be alcohol free. If you choose to drink ahead of time, or secretly at the house, I will call you a ride home.
A boundary for unsolicited advice: I feel disconnected from you every time you talk over my stories about my choices with your unsolicited advice. I have such a good time talking with you when it’s not an advice centric conversation and I’d like to stay through the evening to talk more, but I will leave early if you continue to give me advice when I did not ask for it.
A boundary for sensory overwhelm: I find the music in the kitchen and the sports game on in the living room to be too loud for me to relax or enjoy talking to anyone. I will try arriving only a few minutes before we eat this year and see if that is more sustainable for me to stay to hang out and play games after the meal.
The language may feel unnatural or uncomfortable at first, try it on and explore what feels right. Practice with a sibling or with a trusted friend or partner. Setting boundaries is a skill that requires developing a familiarity and comfortability with. Remember it’s alright to start small to build confidence.
As always, please reach out to crisis lines if you need immediate help with despair, distress, or feelings of not being safe.
Dr. S