What is Stonewalling?

Sometimes a therapy term finds in way into the world and it can get misused or become misunderstood through social media discourse or become so overused that it becomes disconnected from it’s original meaning or starts to mean very little when said.

And the term ‘stonewalling’ may be headed down that road.

Stonewalling was defined, studied, and popularized by the relationship researcher John Gottman (of the Gottman Institute).

As described by The Gottman Institute, stonewalling is when: “the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker” (Ellie Lisitsa, 2013 on the Gottman Institute Blog).

Some examples are

• The silent treatment

• Not communicating a need for a break and just walks away in the middle of a conversation

• Ignoring someone when they’re talking

• Minimizing or ignoring a concern or concerns someone has presented to you about your behavior

• Changing the subject as a way to avoid a certain topic

• Not answering a question someone has asked you / refusing to respond

• Dismissive body language like eye rolling or turning away

It is typically consistent and repeated behavior from the person doing the stonewalling. Sometimes it is intentional to attempt to control, hurt, or assert power and other times a person may be attempting to protect themselves or avoid conflict in ways they aren’t aware are a pattern for them. The latter does not excuse this behavior, it is just to say that conscious decisions are not always the reason behind stonewalling.

Stonewalling is often talked about in terms of romantic relationships - in part because of the Gottman Institute - but stonewalling can occur from parents toward children, from teachers toward students, from sports coaches towards players, from politicians to their constituents, from friends, co-workers, or community members.

Therapy can be useful for stonewalling as both someone who does the stonewalling and for those who are stonewalled.

For the former, The Orchard can help you practice healthier communication styles, become aware of your body and body language, and learn to stay engaged emotionally through many feelings.

For the latter, The Orchard can provide space to process the stonewalling behaviors and the impact they have on your connections, self-esteem, your own communication style, and your felt safety in the world.

It is important to understand what stonewalling is, how it shows up, who it can show up with, and where you can go for support!

Dr. S